i permit you to call me
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
