I am puke
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
