Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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