He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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