She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Randomize
