Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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