I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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