Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
