It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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