she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Semen is not good for contacts.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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