Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
