I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
