Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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