I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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