Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
