I was born with a shot glass in my hand
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
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