they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
