Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
