evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
