Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
