On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize