I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
