I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
