my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
