News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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