Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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