You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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