in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
