I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
COCAINE IS GR8
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
