I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize