when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
