but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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