I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
