I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
My liver just had a heart attack.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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