Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
