Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
