I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I supernannyed him into submission
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