I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
The struggles of a small town man whore
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
