Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
