just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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