saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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