If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He? As in you personified your dick?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
