i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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