We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
