my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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