There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
