Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
