Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
