He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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