life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
